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[14 Jan 2008|01:01pm]

new lj: amytheabattoir

I've had this one since I was fourteen, so I think it's time for a change.
I'll be adding people, but let me know if you want to be added/not added anyway =).
1 incendiary glance|care to look?

[11 Jan 2008|02:31am]
[ mood | sick ]


i don't know where my head has been.

i'm sick and will probably spend the weekend tucked under five or six blankets and not getting any better just like i always do when these horrible sicknesses attack me and never leave!

i think that everything will be okay. i think that life will be just fine.

care to look?

[07 Jan 2008|01:13am]

January should be interesting.

January is
-starting school off the right way
-trying to sleep at least six hours every night
-chris' 18th birthday
-one year anniversary
-all that fun fafsa & financial aid stuff
-working on scholarships
-making "the plan"

I hope everyone has a wonderful month! I still never posted the pictures I said I would. I will, I promise!

[04 Jan 2008|04:01am]

finished Choke last night. it was very good, but i think i liked Invisible Monsters a little more. which is odd because most of the reviews say otherwise. nick suggested reading some of his nonfiction, so that'll definitely be on my list.

now i have to read Light In August and The Tempest for school in the next three days [ yay, procrastination ], but other than that i have a few more i'm waiting to read. i still have to read Deception Point and The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test and then i think i'll borrow some Kerouac from chris and read some of his stuff. i want to up my 'books read' number this year, so i'm going to keep track! hopefully actually having a list will keep me actively reading =)!

i need more book suggestions! i have a $50 barnes and noble gift certificate and nothing to that i still need to buy.
7 incendiary glances|care to look?

[02 Jan 2008|01:28pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

I've been thinking of the story of Peter Pan. Everything seems perfect and so desperately picturesque. A world where children would stay children and there was no one to destroy what they had; no one would take their childlike hearts and their happiness and their innocence. They were lost boys, but together were they really lost? But, even with an island containing only things in their fantasies, it went wrong. Peter Pan was wrong - the one who was supposed to be their leader. It seems that when things weren't going his way, he wasn't the carefree, gentle, innocent little boy the lost boys had thought he was. Where did their whimsical paradise take them?

Sometimes I fear that in my search to not grow up and my search to grow up at the same time, I'm going to be so focused on my two conflicting tasks that the memories and lessons will pass me by. Every time I try to slow down and rediscover items such as my imagination, all of these horrible, horrible things try to creep in like grammar and bills and life.

I hung out with Jordan, Brian and Rickie last night. It's always strange hanging out with people you don't see as often and the differences between them and your group of best friends. While I love Brian and Jordan dearly, it is most definitely different. Whenever those awkward inbetween conversation topics silences confront us, it's actually an awkward silence. I can guarantee you those either don't occur, or they don't matter when it is me and all the people that I see the most. It's strange when discussing what to do, you're not sure if these other people will approve or if they'll think something is silly and it actually matters. I am hanging out with them again tonight, though, because I think it's time for me to look outside of my theater cave for friends. I know the whole theater cave term is a big joke and all, but it's sad when you really look around and it's true. I don't want to confine my high school experiences to one room, nor do I want to confine them to one group of people. I used to be so proud of the fact that during 9th and 10th grade all of my friends were very different from one another. Now all of my friends are theater kids. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Well, I think that's good advice, especially considering how much drama really does happen in theater. And when problems erupt, everyone just lingers and wallows in all of this horrible muck that's surrounding everyone. I know that can't be healthy.

I think I'm going to see Juno this afternoon with Chris and I am quite excited. Maybe that will let me forget about my head for a while.

care to look?

[31 Dec 2007|07:32pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

I got my New Year's Kiss. I'm happy.

I went to the zoo today with Chris and his family [pictures later] and it was nice. His family is so radically different than mine, it's strange, but definitely nice.

I hope everyone had the best 2007 that they could have. I hope that everyone enjoys 2008 and makes the best of the entire year, beginning to end.

I love you guys and you've all made this year one that I'll never forget and for [mostly] all the right reasons! It's been a year of firsts and a year of lasts, as well. I can't wait to see what the next year holds for us all.

care to look?

[29 Dec 2007|05:06pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

Sometimes I wonder how impossible it is to be happy when you grow up and have bills to pay and a job you hate and family problems.

Although that is a very general statement, doesn't it seem too entirely true? I was sitting and thinking about how many adults I knew that actually seemed happy and I counted two. And one of those people I wasn't too sure about.

It is especially sad when my current teenage life is so very happy, but I feel like the chances of me holding onto that are so slim. I need to regain some positive vibes. Does anyone have any positive vibes and can be around?

I'm scared to allow comments anymore. Isn't that sad? I believe it is. It makes me sad when you can't trust human beings. It seems like we're all just so rotten inside sometimes.

But hey, I've had a wonderful Christmas break so far and I hope you are having one, too =]. If anyone needs a ride or to borrow a few dollars or some freshly baked goods or a hug or anything just let me know. I know I'm kinda lame with being a friend most of the time, but I really do want everyone to be happy even if they aren't my "friends."

[23 Dec 2007|11:12am]
[ mood | calm ]

Christmas time sure did approach quickly. December in general came and went and for the most part, I'm happy about that. Every month isn't really November or December, it's turned into just one more month until I get to leave.

That's terrible, isn't it? I don't even know where I'll be going to school and it doesn't matter - I just want to go.

Christmas time plans:
-today is my Dad's Christmas party, but I'll be out to dinner with Chris as we have been together 11 months as of today =]
-tomorrow I'm saying goodbye to Chris [he'll be in L.A. with his family for Christmas] and then over to my mother's side of the family.
-Christmas morning will be spent with my dad's side of the family and then a group of non-Christmas spirit folks and I will be actually enjoying ourselves.

So today there will be hustle and bustle, but afterwards it'll be back to winter break and back to reading for unhealthy amounts of hours and back to life without school.

Merry Christmas everyone.

care to look?

[13 Dec 2007|07:38pm]
[ mood | sore ]

Chris always beats me when we're on freerice.com, so I've decided I need to work on expanding my vocabulary. Maybe I'll get one of those "learn a new word a day" calendars for next year.

In six days the only affiliation with theater that I'll have whatsoever is Thespians, and only because it'll be my seventh semester/inductions, so I feel it would be silly to stop being involved now. I think it was a good time to leave, if anything I think it was my time to leave a little sooner.

(For all of you graduated theater kids, or present theater kids for that matter, please don't tell me I'll regret it or anything of the sort. I'm honestly fed up with people trying to understand what happened these last few months.)

Excitement still fills my body when I think about moving away this summer.

I've decided I want to help people for the rest of my life. Maybe that's a little general, but if I've spoken to you about my specific career paths I'm considering, it makes a lot of sense. And gosh, there is this fairytale of a volunteer program in India that my heart is yearning for to a ridiculous degree! I want so badly to put off college for a year to pursue that instead, but I try to remind myself that I have lots of time for foreign countries :)!

And that is all. It was a strain to even write this much. I'm just trying my best to keep my Future Self updated.

3 incendiary glances|care to look?

[05 Dec 2007|06:48pm]

i forget how much i forget to update this.
i have no creativity at the moment so i'll copy over what myspace got a few weeks back, instead:


i've written before about my lack of passion. it was last june when i "graced" the enigma that is myspace about it, i believe. now it seems my passions have changed dramatically. they used to be action based, and when they weren't that's what they yearned after. now they're just these trivial afterthoughts: my ecstacy resides in the knowledge that in only a few months the sole stimulant of my happiness will be myself, my satisfaction is resting in the arms of my lover, my euphoria is occupying a sunday morning with wonderful scents of chai tea and a mix cd with music so good you wanted to cry flooding a softly lit living room. so, i have happiness. i have it completely in my grasps, but am i sure that i want to stay in this safe zone? am i okay with my passion being contained to my few known creative outlets and sticking with things that i already know? what happened to letting my desires free to explore? i want violent outbursts of agony! as silly as that sounds, i've found time after time that sometimes when you let your heart guide your life without your mind that while sometimes you do get afflictions, sometimes you also find new levels to living. goodness, what if i never let my heart lead my mind and overall conscientious nature last winter? i would be much more apt to fits of fury and anguish and dolor than i am now. i want violent attacks upon anything mediocre in my life! i want black eyes of the heart that shake things up a bit. i want some hit and misses, damnit. i refuse to stay in my little patch of life just because i'm happy. i can still be happy and i can still keep all those things in my life that keep my heart so full while still pushing spiritual and mental and emotional boundaries. who cares about composure and moderation and all the things that make up every american's bullshit mediocre dream when you can push yourself to the edge of true quality. i want substance! i don't want anything concrete to tell me i'm happy. i want the pure essense of phoenix and transcendence and choate and all these other words that no one's ever heard of and you want to know why? because no one ever goes past the limits that aren't even really there to find a use to those words! i swear if i never hop on a plane and if i never spend months and hopefully years in another country doing good for other people, i'll consider myself just as mediocre as every other apathetic face in a business suit on their way to work.

i don't know why i end up in these little fits.
seven more months, seven more months, seven more months.
did i mention how much i can't wait to leave monte vista and its repetition?
seven more months.


nothing has really changed.
2 incendiary glances|care to look?

[11 Nov 2007|11:44pm]
[ mood | silly ]

Picture post.Collapse )

Nothing exciting has been happening.
Only seven more months.

2 incendiary glances|care to look?

[08 Nov 2007|12:25am]
[ mood | indifferent ]

There was a medium toned, wrinkled woman waiting at the bus stop. One road led to entertainment and cinemas and opportunities to buy things she probably didn't need; her road most likely led her to an equally happy and wrinkled husband waiting to greet her with open arms and a grown love. Another woman, young yet, when she smiled, you knew that she has enough love in her for years much further than her age. However, something peculiar happened. When the young woman sat next to the older woman, she opened her mouth and said something along the lines, I would assume, of "How are you today?" The woman with her dark clothing, aged as she was, did not return the smile or even reply: she simply sat aloof to all around her.

I made up the reason for her reaction in my head. For it is what I would like to be true. Her heart really was full of love, even if the young woman could not tell. Her heart has just grown to be protective and to only let her deep, meaningful love open up to very few people. She knows if those few people know what her heart looks like, then it's okay. It's okay.

No one understands my heart anymore. It hurts my soul. It's apparent in my smile and in my face and in the way I say hello and in the way I say that I'm doing good when someone asks. Do those very few still see that there is still immense amounts of love in my heart for them? For everyone, it's just that everyone isn't allowed to know for that is just too scary. It's okay though, right? It's okay?

5 incendiary glances|care to look?

I'll post pictures again sometime, I promise. [26 Oct 2007|10:53pm]

Well, I really don't ever know what to update everyone with on this anymore.
The only reason I write is because I know how much I enjoy keeping up with people's lives through LiveJournal. So, I guess the conceited part of me likes to think others enjoy the same of myself.

Though, what is there to say? My social life resembles that of an elderly woman more and more each week. My friend count is dwindling, while my tolerance gets lower and lower. Chris is as present as always. We are as good as you have read in entry upon entry. Books and blankets and nights in are becoming my only sources of entertainment. The only seemingly strange part is that this is what I've chosen.

What is there to say?

I'm good; I'm very good. I am sorry: I'm sorry that I'm not the person to call up for a fun night out anymore. I'm trying to learn from the little time I have left in San Diego. My heart is still yearning to move on, however.

I would much more like to know how everyone else is doing beyond the LiveJournal posts.
3 incendiary glances|care to look?

[17 Oct 2007|04:39pm]

My life is in one of the biggest stages of confusion it has yet to see.

I. I don't know where my self-esteem has gone - appearance and personality wise. It is strange how much of my personality is evaporating when I am consistantly conscience of myself.

II. There is a ridiculous amount of anger and bitterness in me aimed at mostly everyone in theater.

III. Mrs. Oakley and Mr. McClure made my day! They made me feel almost...honored? by the way they spoke of my personal statement they read today. For once in quite a while I felt proud of myself. However, that was followed my complete guilt at the fact that I wrote the personal statement at three in the morning the night before it was due. Uhm...woops?

IV. I've been getting these awful migrains that I keep playing off as headaches to anyone that asks. I'm trying to figure out why they've been triggered, because I swear as soon as I think I have control of them, they fire back at me.
2 incendiary glances|care to look?

[14 Oct 2007|10:22am]
[ mood | hungry ]

I know I've said it over and over, but I cannot wait to leave!
Goodness, everyone around me is talking about how much fun this year is or how much they'll miss their friends when they leave or how they want to stay in San Diego or how they can't wait until Prom or this or that.

Honestly, I just want to reply with a very forward, "What the fuck?"

While I'm having fun with friends on the occasional weekend outing and while every now and then something fun happens during school hours, it is serving as no motivation for not wanting to leave immediately whatsoever. Now, I figured this was normal, but it seems as there's very few people around me who feel the same.

Be patient, be patient, be patient.
I'm trying.
Only ten more months is my daily anthem to get me through long hours of scatterplots and analyzing poems and variable goods and ionic compounds, not to mention the teachers and narcs and nearly every adult in the facility treating you like a small child, because the majority of the school acts as such.

Ten more months.

4 incendiary glances|care to look?

[12 Oct 2007|08:21pm]
[ mood | confused ]

What do you when you need motivation to live with full force?

care to look?

[04 Oct 2007|03:31am]
[ mood | calm ]

Monte Vista's only purpose has continued to stay the same: giving me more and more enthusiasm and yearning for college each day.

A little under a month until the play opens. I cannot wait until it's over, simply cannot wait. This has been the supremely worst play I've ever been in and it almost makes me angry that the only reason that it has proven so horrible is because of what people said after casting.

Anyways, there hasn't been too much to say, as readers can tell from my digresion from updating LiveJournal. [Sorry about that.] I do enjoy reading the very few who still update, though!

Pictures here.Collapse )

Life is swell, but I could still use a few things:

-a picture editing program
-a retake for my awful senior pictures!
-a nice bagel
-all sickness to disappear [and actually stay gone for once]

12 incendiary glances|care to look?

Picture post soon, but in the mean time... [30 Sep 2007|07:47pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Post an anonymous comment.
A secret, a comment about you, me, life, anything.
Insults, admirations, emotions.
Feel free to make one or five or six or seven.

50 incendiary glances|care to look?

[27 Sep 2007|11:19pm]
[ mood | predatory ]

Oh, high school.Collapse )

I'm going to try my hardest to try to cook; wish me luck.

6 incendiary glances|care to look?

soon to be deleted when i decide it's too boring [22 Sep 2007|09:03am]
[ mood | weird ]

I keep doing that thing where I write a million posts, yet never actually post them.

Ms. B wrote me a story to cheer me up about the whole theater thing [explained in a friends only post earlier] called "The Giantess and The Zebra," don't worry if you don't understand the title, and she wrote Chris into it =]. It was the cutest, most perfect story I could have asked for.

Eight months with Chris is on Sunday. He has just been such a wonderful aspect in my life. I love how we inspire each other to be better, it makes me so happy that we don't let the other settle for mediocre. There's love and hope and faith in things that I've never found them in before.

I wish I could put everything and everyone I loved and put us all on a plane and wisk us away from Spring Valley. The more into senior year it becomes, the more I cannot comprehend why people chose to stay here. If it's stricly for financial reasons, then of course, there's nothing anyone can do. I can't help feeling the same way about senior year, though: there hasn't been any mass amounts of fun, there haven't been any learning experiences, except maybe that everyone sucks and that when one person really wants to make your life miserable, they get a lot of people to help them out.

Rehearsal exhausted me yesterday. It was emotionally draining and now it is a gloomy day, and working is the last thing I want to do, though it is my second to last day. Oh well, at least I have memorizing lines to look forward to afterwards -_-;;

4 incendiary glances|care to look?

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